Tsuruya conquers the Space Chefs
by JAEO
Summary: Yes, going exactly as it says on the tin is this crazyass spectacle combining the efforts of Superstarultra and BKE. One-shot humor-parody.


Authors note BKE: This is a joint production of BKE and SSU. We made this a few nights ago and hope you enjoy it. Disclaimer: This is pretty much Tanigawa's stuff, not ours.

**Tsuruya Conquers the Space Chefs**

_By BKE and SSU_

The hall was full of the sound of one girl. Tsuruya, a green-haired genki, princess to the Yakuza, and heir to the traditions that come with it, had a paper in her hand:

It was a menu. On it was written the message, "Please come to the literature clubroom. We have a surprise for you. Signed, Haruhi Suzumiya."

Tsuruya entered the SOS Brigade clubroom to see of all people, Yuki sitting there, alone as usual. She had her nose in a book. No one else seemed to be around. Haruhi had supposedly asked her to come, but it looked like the jade-headed heiress would have to wait.

Deciding to act friendly, she began to engage Yuki in conversation.

"Oh, hiyos, Yuki-chan, do you have any idea where Harunyan or Mikuru-chan is? I was told to come here now about something."

"I have no idea as to their current whereabouts. They should return to the clubroom shortly," Yuki answered softly, flipping a page.

Bored, Tsuruya peered over to check out the title of Yuki's book. It looked like.....

A cookbook?

"Um....Yuki-chan, I was just gonna say, why are you reading that right now of all things?" she gulped, "I thought you only read those sci-fi books." She had started to speak shakily, her eyes showing trepidation.

"I am brushing up on my culinary skills," Yuki replied once again, lifting the book up to her face. Tsuruya was now able to read the title.

"To Serve Man".

Uh-oh...

When Tsuruya recognized that reference from an old show, she started to quiver. This was not the typical angry Yuki as present in Darandomninja's fic and was defeated by her cheese rage in SSU's one, it was much worse.

This was when Tsuruya realized one thing about her self: She was to be someone's dinner.

"Errrr....I think Ill waits for them in the hall, nyoro...ha ha ha ha.." Tsuruya chuckled weakly as she made her way to the door. Yuki's eyes glanced up in an instant.

"What? No........stay," She said this with a purr so exquisite one would simply have to jump into an oven and bake themselves with it. Tsuruya was so fearful now, she would possibly ruin herself. Or at least her clothes, which what will be implied later a disgusting thing without some cleaning up.

Unable to take any chances, Tsuruya grabbed the door knob and pulled it open. However, the door quickly slammed shut. Tsuruya saw the reason why: An enormous claw had impaled itself on the wooden surface. Turning around, Tsuruya almost shat herself. Yuki was currently standing from her chair, her arms hanging limply, and two huge mantis-like claws emerging from her waist.

The claws swung about as Yuki started walking forward, closer and closer to her. Yuki's eyes started to glow red and her mouth opened up to reveal not just fangs, but an entire mouth of razor-sharp teeth. Tsuruya was pale and scared.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm...cheesy...I've never had fresh meat like this in a long time. It'll be pleasant to feel you struggle in my stomach..." Yuki drawled as a toothy proboscis emerged from her throat and shot itself straight at Tsuruya's prominent forehead. Using years worth of cheese and sugar derived energy, Tsuruya grabbed the soul-sucking extremity and yanked a stunned Yuki off her feet.

"HOOAAWWW!" Tsuruya had managed to hold her and squeezed the proboscis tightly. She remembered......YES. She reached into a pocket and retrieved a large novelty-size pen that was sharp enough to slay the purple-haired demon most easily. The space-demon Yuki was now afraid.

"Help me, Kimidori!", Yuki cried as Tsuruya jammed the pen into her toothy maw.

The pen piercded deep into the roof of her mouth, cutting through the olfactory area and reaching the veins of the cavernous sinus, cutting bloodflow from the inside to her brain. Yuki could feel the life drifting away from her and fainted. Tsuruya calmed down and said, "Looks like you've been served, space bitch!"

What she did not know was that behind her was the angriest green balloon one has ever seen.

"HELLO, DEARIE..." growled a deep feminine voice from behind our green-haired genki girl.

Tsuruya turned around, and was met with a twisted abomination that looked like a cross between a green balloon dog and Emiri Kimidori. She instinctively jumped back as a tentacle snapped at her feet and landed near the back of the room.

"You have slain my peer and taken the life of one of my people. You do realize now that your situation is hopeless and that the only means of paying such a debt off is your FLESH!" she said this as the walls were covered in numbers and the sky in the window was replaced with a solid wall of bricks.

It was now certain: Tsuruya was up shits creek.

The beast jumped, pouncing towards the helpless girl.

"-"

SHOON-SHOON

Before the girl/dog could make mincemeat of the rich girl, the wall exploded outward and revealed a figure holding a glowing blue device. It was....

Taniguchi?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, who knew that the "stupid pervert", birthday party crasher, dog-kicker, and all-around loser was in fact a time-traveling, part-alien, psychic esper badass.

And of all the weird things most out of place was that he was wearing UNSC Spartan II Mjolnir Mark 7 armor as featured in Halo 2, thus making him a Spartan of all things.

"Your time in this world is over you, green-blooded freak!" Taniguch snarled, readying the aim of his plasma rifle and firing, while throwing a plasma grenade.

The plasma seared Mr. Emiri Kimidori's flesh and the grenade vaporized him, tearing her to shreds.

Taniguchi lifted Tsuruya to her feet."Thank you. Thank you."

"No biggie, anything for a lady."

They heard a large rumbling as the room returned to normal. When they looked out the window, they the most terrifying sight they've ever looked upon:

It was an enormous spaceship. Its lights glowed an otherworldly blue and on it were the scariest things one could look at when expecting aliens to eat them.

"EAT AT JOE'S!"

"ALL YOU CAN EAT REDHEADS"

"BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE!"

"FREE-RANGE AND VEAL BOTH OFFERED!"

The horror.

Tsuruya was hesitant, but she knew what to do. It was the only way to defeat them.

She had to become an idiot.

The pair of them walked to the field just as the big ship landed. Out of it walked Ryoko Asakura.

Tsuruya and Taniguchi watched as from behind her, Ryoko's ship opened up to reveal a gigantic kitchen. It actually looked well equipped enough for Tsuruya to wonder that maybe the space aliens took their culinary work seriously.

Tsuruya bellowed, "SO, YOU'RE THE MASTERMIND BEHIND IT ALL!"

"HAHAHA, YES!" Ryoko chortled, "So, I hear you've killed my agents Emiri and Yuki! I had a feeling they might fail. But not me. Now, if you'll be so kind as to just....DIE~!" she chirped, morphing her arms into huge blue tentacles. She walked towards them at a steady pace, licking her lips with a forked tongue.

Unbeknowest to them, Kyon and Haruhi were watching the action from a bunker they built in case of something like this happening. All of it built by Kyon, and therefore a flimsy hole in the ground.

Haruhi mused to herself about the aliens, "I knew something was up with Yuki and those girls! Like all those times she asked me how I'd taste with chocolate sauce! I'm glad that nerdy flat bitch is dead! Right, Mikuru?... Mikuru?"

At this moment, the venerable Taniguchi was horrifed. "NOOOO!"

Tsuruya however, decided to ask a question.

"How did you put that giant kitchen together?" she asked lamely.

This stopped Ryoko right there in her tracks. She was unable to answer in anyway simply not for the inability physically to, but that she would have to answer an incredibly dumb question.

"Huh? Seriously? You wanted to ask me THAT? I'm an evil alien for christ's sake! I'm threatening to eat you! Aren't you afraid of me?" Ryoko inquired. Taniguchi wondered the same thing as he searched through his utility belt for a frag grenade.

"A better one to have asked would be 'WWWWWHHHHHHYYYYYY? PPLLEEAASSEE DDOONNTT EAT UUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSS!" Ryoko suggested, tapping her foot on the dirt.

"Yeah, I want to know. I bet you have all the good knifes for cutting and cleaving, right? Like those ones with the ball and german steel you see in the informercials."

It occurred to everyone, including Kyon and Haruhi in the bunker that they built, that she was indeed a complete moron.

BANG

An energy blast hit Ryoko and knocked her to her feet. She and everyone looked and turned.

It was here when two figures walked from the side to reveal themselves.

Haruhi saw them and gasped, "MIKURU? KOIZUMI?"

The esper and time-traveler were walking toward the alien. As it had turned out, both the Organization and the time travel agency had been tracking the fact that the IDTE were not the Integrated Data Thought Entity, but the Intergalactic Dining Team Extraordinaire, a group that killed anything it could to get meat, and eat or sell it on the galactic food commodities market.

The esper and traveler walked toward the blue-haired tentacle girl. Itsuki had the series 4 Deatomizer and Mikuru had that certain little gun we know and love...

"We're onto your little group's plans, Asakura! From now on, we're siding with the Sky Canopy Dominion! At least they're all vegans! What do you have to say to that?" Itsuki growled, leveling his weapon at the shivering Ryoko.

Everyone looked up expectantly to hear what Ryoko had to say. The blunette stopped shaking and became still.

And then...she grinned.

"Well, how about a taste of.....THIS!?!" A pair of tentacles shot out of her arm. One went right down Itsuki's throat and the other knocked Mikuru off her feet. She let go of her gun and it flew...

Into Tsuruya's open hands. She examined it and wondered aloud:

"Gee, I wonder what this thingy does?" Tsuruya exclaimed loudly as she skipped towards Ryoko. She pulled her tentacle out of the struggling Itsuki and faced the green-haired girl.

"Listen, Tsuruya. I think it would be in your best interest to hand over that device to me. You clearly have no idea what you're doing," Ryoko said calmly, beads of sweat running down her face.

"Don't listen to her, Tsuruya! She's evil! " shouted Kyon.

"Yeah! Don't turn your back on that big-browed freak!" Haruhi cried loudly. "She'll eat you if you give her the chance!"

"Listen to them..... Miss Tsuruya..... Asakura is...... is a monster......." Itsuki said in between breaths of air.

"Really?" she looked at the tentacles, "Oh yeah."

Tsuruya furrowed her brow, before a look of recollection crossed her face, "Oh! That reminds me! You never answered my kitchen question! Whaddaya use to cook, nyoro?"

Ryoko's blank face was replaced by a look of tranquility- a little _too_ tranquil. "Oh! You did ask me about that. Well, we use a variety of tools. Teaspoons, spatulas, various knives, a deboning-machine. It's not very different from what humans use to prepare food. Although........"

Taniguchi noticed the predatory gleam in Ryoko's eyes and screamed out, "RUN, TSURUYA! RUN AWAY!"

"Huh?" Tsuruya turned around. This was the opportunity Ryoko had been waiting for.

Quick as lightning Ryoko opened her mouth and a stretchy pink tongue shot out. With a cry, Tsuruya fell to the ground as it wrapped around her ankles. Taniguchi readied a grenade, but held back for fear of hitting Tsuruya. Itsuki attempted to ready his own weapon, only to have a cerulean tentacle knock it away.

"Mmmm, fresh prey..." drawled Ryoko, hoisting her prize into the air and swinging Tsuruya back and forth like a pendulum. Oddly enough, her words came out rather fluently, despite the fact her tongue was hanging out of her mouth.

"Gettin' dizzy..." moaned Tsuruya, looking as green as her hair.

"Put down Tsuruya this instant, you blue-haired bitch!" threatened Kyon, despite the fact that he lacked any means of backing up his threat.

"Such harsh words, Kyon!" Ryoko snickered. "Say..... All this talk has made me hungry!"

"Oh, shit!" yelled Tsuruya.

At once Tsuruya found herself dangling upside down above Ryoko's head. The heiress watched in morbid fascination as Ryoko's jaws began to expand and stretch, like a snake preparing to eat a mouse. A pink cavern lined with teeth on the sides filled her view. Tsuruya grimaced at Ryoko's breath. It smelled like.... freshmen? She screamed as she was pulled completely into Ryoko's mouth.

"You suck, Ryoko!" Tsuruya howled as her head was pushed down the class representative's throat.

Haruhi and the others gagged as a visible bulge appeared in Ryoko's neck. In only five seconds, Ryoko's tongue shoved down the rest of Tsuruya- neck, chest, arms, body, and legs.

Ryoko's mouth snapped shut after Tsuruya's shoes were gone. She licked her lips afterwards, belched, and patted her gut. Her once washboard stomach now had a large lump in it, causing her fuku to rise a bit and expose her navel. Kyon would have been turned on, if he wasn't so terrified.

"Mmmmmm... Cheesy~! That's right, you scrumptious morsel. All that squirming around makes this so much more pleasurable. I should eat live prey more often," Ryoko smiled as her belly wriggled about.

Mikuru, whose face was entirely ashen, pointed a trembling finger at the space-monster and yelled, "OH, MY GOD!!! ASAKURA _ATE _TSURUYA!!! KYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

"Snap out of it!" hollered Taniguchi, slapping Mikuru hard in the face. "We can still save her! Tsuruya still has a fighting chance. We just need to neutralize Asakura before her digestive system kicks in. She's still extremely dangerous! I did rank her an AA+ girl after all, Asahina!"

Mikuru rubbed her face and blinked. "AA+? What does that mean?"

"I labeled any girls who were deemed aliens with a rating system I came up with. Those with an A or lower were normal or good aliens. Any girl with a + or higher is a dangerous alien invader! My 'stupid pervert' routine worked like a charm while I went about my mission!"

"Wow... That's ingenious!"

"A-hem!" said Ryoko, grabbing everyone's attention, "Unless you want your friend to live, which is very unlikely given my acidity levels, you will listen to some demands I've come up with for my people."

Itsuki frowned darkly, but relented. "Fine. Name your terms, Asakura."

Ryoko grinned. "Well, for starters..."

Meanwhile, Tsuruya was having a very uncomfortable experience....

"HEY! Lemme out, you intergalactic whore!" Tsuruya snarled, punching Ryoko's stomach wall with her left fist. The pink wall had an elastic feel to it, making her attacks somewhat useless. She relented her assault and looked around at her surroundings.

Ryoko's stomach was actually quite huge; about the same size of the girl's bathroom, meaning her true form was even larger than the girl-form she was using. There was even enough room for her to stand and walk around. It was almost pitch-black inside, but Tsuruya's cat-like eyesight allowed her to see. It smelled like rotten flesh, gasoline, and almonds.

The emerald-headed upperclassman could hear all sorts of noises too: Ryoko's gastric acids gurgling, her breathing, and the beating of her multiple hearts. It was really gross.

Tsuruya suddenly heard a hissing noise and looked down. She gasped. A small pool of green acid was eating away at her shoes with a hiss. She jumped out of the puddle and onto a small 'island' in the middle of the area. Several bubbles popped open, releasing plumes of yellow flames. Her favorite shoes now felt all squishy.

"God, it smells so funky in here," Tsuruya stated to no one in particular. "How am I gonna get outta this mess?"

Looking up, the genki saw that the yandere's muscles had sealed up any chance of climbing back up. And to her right, Tsuruya saw a dark forbidding tunnel where the acid flowed down like a waterfall.

Tsuruya shivered and wiped some spittle off her forehead. "Well, I may be nutty, but I'm not _that _nutty to go through there. Ick! I WILL find a way out! My friends need me! I'm motherfucking Tsuruya! My folks didn't raise me to be tough, just for me to get shat out of one of my classmate's ass! You hear that Ryoko?! Tsuruya is coming to get you, nyoro!!"

Looking around for something to use, Tsuruya saw something floating nearby. She picked up a.... bento?

"Hey! That's the bento I made her for helping me with my homework! She told me she lost the box in a bus accident. That liar!" Tsuruya huffed. Deciding a snack would help her think, she popped it open and pulled out her favorite food.

"Mmmm! Peanut-butter and jelly with a banana wrapped in three slices of smoked-cheese! Wonder why Ryoko didn't tastes it herself? " Tsuruya asked herself. She was about to bit into the week-old sandwich, when she noticed she was still clutching something in her hand. A small silver gun.

"Huh? Hey! It's that doohickey Mikuru let me see!" Tsuruya said, forgetting about the food and focusing on the shiny thing in her mitts. "I wonder what is? Here's the name..... "Noisy Cricket. WARNING: DO NOT USE NEAR SMALL CHILDREN, PETS, PREGNANT WOMEN OR YOUR FACE.".... Huh? Sounds like I found my means of escape, nyoro! Now, where's the trigger.......?"

On the outside, things were looking bad for the good guys.

"And every time Thanksgiving time rolls around, we demand a shipment of any fresh-born hatchlings you have. Or infants. Doesn't matter what you call them," Ryoko said haughtily, while a sobbing Mikuru wrote down the list of things she had spoken.

"What are we to your people? Just a bunch of cattle ready to be made into your burgers and steaks?!" growled Haruhi. "I hope I give you heartburn!"

Ryoko smiled widely. "Would you like to find now?"

Haruhi actually began to walk right up to her, but Kyon held her back. "Are you fucking crazy?! She'll eat you like a hot-fudge sundae!"

"Lemme go, Kyon! A Brigade Chief doesn't stand around while some freak eats her subordinates!"

"If it's any consolation, Tsuruya was delicious," Ryoko said cheerily.

"Oh, Tsuruya....." Mikuru cried, while Itsuki patted her on the shoulder, looking just as forlorn, "I'm so sorry I called you 'Snaggle-tooth' that one time!"

"It's all right, Miss Asahina," Ryoko crooned sweetly. "I'm sure at this very moment, Tsuruya is in a better place.... namely either my large or small intestine."

Mikuru cried harder, prompting Itsuki to shout, "Shut up, you murderer!"

Ryoko grinned sadistically, tentacle on her hips. "Oh, don't be that way, Koizumi! Everything eats someone else to live. Worms eat dirt, fish eat worms, humans eat fish, and aliens eat humans. It's just the food-chain. Now, anyways, where was I? Oh, yes! Come Christmas time, I think it would be fun to dress up our tributes in something festive like red and green. Same with New Year's, but with top hats and canes-"

Before she could go on, the left side of Ryoko's body expanded comically. One could hear a faint thunderous noise as well. Ryoko's face contorted into pain as she held her side protectively.

"Wha-Wha-Wha-WHAT IS THIS?! WHAT WAS THAT?!?!" she screamed as her right side bulged out as well. Several more explosions followed it.

"Maybe it was something you ate..." Haruhi said with a toothy sneer. Another explosion rocked Ryoko's body.

"It's Tsuruya! She's alive!" shouted an overjoyed Taniguchi, pumping his fist into the air.

"No! I can't go out like this! I'LL CRUSH YOU ALL!!!" Ryoko roared, sprouting nasty-looking hooks on her tentacles. But before she could make another move, Tsuruya's voice rang out loud and clear from inside Ryoko.

"_Oh! Silly ol' me! I had it sets to stun, nyoro!_"

Ryoko's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates and she gave a pleading look to the group in front of her. Kyon waved goodbye weakly.

"Bye, Asakura. Say hi to Nagato for me," Kyon deadpanned with a smile.

Ryoko frowned. "Fuck you, Kyon."

And the blunette's torso inflated like a balloon and she exploded. It was as if someone had placed a firecracker in a bucket of blue paint. Ryoko's top half sent blue goo flying all over the place. It splattered onto the gang, the school, the spaceship, and even the writer's desktop. It smelled an awful lot like blueberries.

Haruhi spat out a chunk of Ryoko's shoulder, looked straight ahead at the alien's smoldering remains, and said, "Guys! Look!"

Kyon and the others saw a completely blue Tsuruya, holding a small gun in her hands. Her hair had black marks in it and a dazed smile was on her lips.

"Heya, everyone.... Looks like Ryoko had a little stomachache. Ah ha ha ha ha!" Tsuruya laughed shakily.

Everyone started laughing. Itsuki spoke, "You had me worried there, I even had a speech for you, something like, "I aways thought Miss Tsuruya was a charming and lovely young woman. That and I'd often fantasize about her perky butt."," he admitted with just a touch of false guilt.

Thats when they noticed...

Kyon looked and saw, "Hey wait, it's..."

Tsuruya suddenly locked into a daze. She started laughing incoherently.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Then they noticed the tentacle. It was Ryoko's. Haruhi and Kyon strutted forward and saw that it was halfway in Tsuruya's right ear, hidden beneath her bangs. It then slithered all the way inside. Mikuru and the others braced themselves as her eyes widened and she screamed.

"YYYEEEEESSSS!............YYOOOUUU CCCAAANNN'TTT BBBEEEAAATTT MMEEE-"

PLONK

And Tsuruya collapsed onto the ground, as she was knocked out by the unlikeliest of heroes.

"__Dont worry.___ A little___ tofu and she'll__ be as right as rain,__" said Kuyoh Suou, her hair still in the shape of a giant fist.

And so, Tsuruya with a busted skull recovered slowly from the invasive tentacle and headbusting. Now that the earth has the green-haired genki girl to thank for saving it, Tsuruya had one last thing to say for all that has happened in this story:

"Tofu isn't that bad, nyoro! A little soy, and MEGAS yummy! Ha ha ha ha! ...But now that Yuki's gone, who's gonna help me study now?"

And that is when the Computer Club President finished reading. He finished, scarfed down his Slim Jim, and decided that with Yuki gone, he now had a chance with someone else.

THE END


End file.
